All My Mistakes

I have some "friends" they don't know who I am

So I use quotations around the word friends

But I have a couple that have always been there for me.

All My Mistakes by The Avett Brothers

 

 

If you know me, you know that I love music.  You should also know then, that I love The Avett Brothers, especially their older stuff.  So, it's no surprise that this weekend while I was driving through South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia and Tennessee I had my iTunes playlist "Happy Place" playing in my car.  As I was driving, the song All My Mistakes came on.  I normally skip over this one in the car, since it's slower and heavens knows I don't need any other reason to feel tired while I am driving, but this time I let it play.  I listened to the words as they came through my speakers and I felt them resonate with me for two reasons; 1. The title and 2. The lyrics found above.

First off, the title, All My Mistakes.  How often do we fall victim to regretting the actions we have made in the past?  How often do we think, what a mistake?  If you are anything like me, you have thought this at least once in your life; I know for me it's been more than once.  I used to drown in my mistakes, and to be honest, I still feel myself being pulled in the world of regret.  While I still slip on this path called life, I try not to see my mistakes as pit falls without a bridge leading the way, but rather as stairs you are able to trip up (I would find it hard to believe I am the only person who trips up the stairs, Mom) and still recover from the fall.  This song, and several others by the Avett Brothers, remind us that life is a journey and we may hit bumps, but they are not the end of a beautiful path.  And this is the way I try to live my life.  I try not to be defined by the difficulties I have faced, by the mistakes I have made, by the past.  I try to "stop and smell the roses", and accept each day as a "present", to be mindful, for life is short an unpredictable. (Click Here for More on Mindfulness)

Secondly, this song touches upon friendships.  This day and age, especially with social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter) the term friendship gets thrown around pretty freely.  Everyone has a "BFF", or five, and the meaning of what a friend truly is has been lost.  The Avett Brothers share the belief with me that "friend" is a pretty meaningless word these days.  How many times do you tell someone you are going to dinner with your "friends", but you know the person sitting across from you is as much of a stranger as the weird guy in the booth two seats down?  How many times have you said, my "friend" so and so knows this and that and works with such and such?  How many people have you had a drunken, meaningless, heart to heart with?  I know I have done all of these things.  And I have also been a "friend" to someone by not showing my true self and pretending to be (much) cooler than I actually am.

While I may not have always surrounded myself with friends, I also know that I can relate to the lyrics, "I have a couple that have always been there for me".  I have been blessed to have so many wonderful, genuine friends in my life.  Some have come in and out, and some have stayed.  But all of those who have helped me become the person I am, have been there for me throughout.  Whether phsycially, or in spirit.  As I drove through the mountains this past weekend, I reflected on that.  I thought about how truly lucky I am to know people across this country I could trust with my life.  Who I can call in the middle of the night when my family has decided to take my Gram off life support; or when my beloved dog is breathing his last breaths.  I also know these will be the friends who will be there when I say my vows, or watch my children grow.  They will be there as our parents age, and as our kids learn to drive.

It's amazing to me that this little post sparked out of a way too early cross state drive; and one of my favorite bands.  That a title of a song and the words within it spoke to my heart in different ways. That I was reminded that my past does not define my path, and that said path is littered with "friends", but walked with friends.  I challenge you to actively think about the friendships in your lives.  Who is a "friend"? And who is a friend?  Feel free to leave comments with what a real friend means to you!

Lucidity and Love

I posted my last recipe the other day and promised I would write again later that day or "in a few days".  Since I don't really know what a "few" means, but am pretty sure I've let a "few" days pass, I forced myself to take a break from my 5 day crafting binge for my future sister-in-law's bachelorette weekend and sat down to type. 

I opened up my computer and sat staring blankly at the screen for about 5 minutes before giving up and taking a (s)troll down my Facebook newsfeed.  While looking at my newsfeed, I saw a video which I am sharing with you here before I share my thoughts and feelings.

It is no secret that this video is beautiful and that this mother and daughter are able to share this lucid and loving moment as "momma" slowly slips into the hands of Alzheimer's Disease.  I hate to sound negative about this special moment, but the entire time I watched "Kelly" encourage her mother to remember her, I cringed.  I cringed remembering the countless times as a hospice social worker, I watched family members beg their loved ones try to remember them, just one last time.  I cringed knowing that I did this to my own grandmother, as she slipped away from us in January.  I cringed knowing that this is anxiety provoking situation, and ultimately we put our need to be recognized and loved before that of our loved one. 

Alzheimer's Disease and other brain diseases, including medicated states, can cause our memories to fail us. Think of how frustrated you get when you walk into a room to get something, but can't remember what.  Or how stressful it is when you can't find the keys, or get lost when on a trip?  Doesn't it just grind your gears when you can't recall the name of the new neighbor you met?  I don't know about you, but all of these situations are beyond frustrating to me; and I am someone who would (hopefully) be considered to have full cognitive functioning.  So, think of what this must be like for someone with a failing memory  Their world continues to spin around them, while they remain stuck in a world of confusion. 

When you add someone in who is trying to jog their memory, or argues with the way they remember things to the equation, you ultimately add another level of confusion which can result in combativeness and hurt feelings.  A wonderful advocate for dementia care, Naomi Feil, recognized this anxiety provoking behavior and developed what we know today as Validation Therapy.  Now I could go into the different types of dementia and the different stages and ways of using this therapy in each stage.  But, for time and sanity's sake, I will merely say this.  Validation is what it sounds like...validating people.  Allowing their confused reality be reality, and in turn reduce anxiety and improve their quality of life. 

Now, I am going to share a video with you that shows what Validation Therapy is, and what it is capable of doing.  Disclaimer:  I have seen this video over 25 times and still cry when I watch; you may want to grab some tissues.

I don't think it is fair to say that either of these videos is more beautiful than the other.  But what I do think is that these equally touching videos allow us to begin talking about the best way to communicate with those with less than perfect cognitive abilities.  I think that it is beautiful that Kelly was able to communicate with her mother through coaching and reminding.  But I think it is just as amazing to watch Naomi Feil practice her Validation Method. 

I could go on for days about the aging population and the best ways to care for them. Once again, for time and sanity's sake, I will leave you with this; each elder is a gift and has a different story.  Take their stories into account when you communicate with them.  And you may just get one last recognition and lucid moment of love.