I opened up my computer and sat staring blankly at the screen for about 5 minutes before giving up and taking a (s)troll down my Facebook newsfeed. While looking at my newsfeed, I saw a video which I am sharing with you here before I share my thoughts and feelings.
It is no secret that this video is beautiful and that this mother and daughter are able to share this lucid and loving moment as "momma" slowly slips into the hands of Alzheimer's Disease. I hate to sound negative about this special moment, but the entire time I watched "Kelly" encourage her mother to remember her, I cringed. I cringed remembering the countless times as a hospice social worker, I watched family members beg their loved ones try to remember them, just one last time. I cringed knowing that I did this to my own grandmother, as she slipped away from us in January. I cringed knowing that this is anxiety provoking situation, and ultimately we put our need to be recognized and loved before that of our loved one.
Alzheimer's Disease and other brain diseases, including medicated states, can cause our memories to fail us. Think of how frustrated you get when you walk into a room to get something, but can't remember what. Or how stressful it is when you can't find the keys, or get lost when on a trip? Doesn't it just grind your gears when you can't recall the name of the new neighbor you met? I don't know about you, but all of these situations are beyond frustrating to me; and I am someone who would (hopefully) be considered to have full cognitive functioning. So, think of what this must be like for someone with a failing memory Their world continues to spin around them, while they remain stuck in a world of confusion.
When you add someone in who is trying to jog their memory, or argues with the way they remember things to the equation, you ultimately add another level of confusion which can result in combativeness and hurt feelings. A wonderful advocate for dementia care, Naomi Feil, recognized this anxiety provoking behavior and developed what we know today as Validation Therapy. Now I could go into the different types of dementia and the different stages and ways of using this therapy in each stage. But, for time and sanity's sake, I will merely say this. Validation is what it sounds like...validating people. Allowing their confused reality be reality, and in turn reduce anxiety and improve their quality of life.
Now, I am going to share a video with you that shows what Validation Therapy is, and what it is capable of doing. Disclaimer: I have seen this video over 25 times and still cry when I watch; you may want to grab some tissues.
I don't think it is fair to say that either of these videos is more beautiful than the other. But what I do think is that these equally touching videos allow us to begin talking about the best way to communicate with those with less than perfect cognitive abilities. I think that it is beautiful that Kelly was able to communicate with her mother through coaching and reminding. But I think it is just as amazing to watch Naomi Feil practice her Validation Method.
I could go on for days about the aging population and the best ways to care for them. Once again, for time and sanity's sake, I will leave you with this; each elder is a gift and has a different story. Take their stories into account when you communicate with them. And you may just get one last recognition and lucid moment of love.
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