Muffin Top Meltdown

I couldn't find anything to wear. All of my favorite work pants were in the dirty clothes pile. I once again had neglected my own laundry for the never-ending mound of school and play clothes, pjs, and Avengers undies in Turtle's hamper; I was forced to look in the closet where my "least often worn" clothes were folded on the wire shelf which ran the length of our tiny closet. 

I pulled a pair of jeans off the top of the pile, slid them over my feet and pulled them up.  They felt a little snug in my legs, but I was pretty sure that was from an accidental drying; a mishap of Steven managing the laundry the week before.  Wrong.  I couldn't get the zipper up or the button fastened without laying on my back.  When I stood up a full blown, pale, tattooed muffin top glared at me from the full-length mirror ahead of me. 

I couldn't have possibly gotten the jeans off any faster. 

When had these jeans gotten so small?!?! As I stared in the mirror in my underwear, horrified, tears were in my eyes.  I couldn't fit into my favorite jeans; well at least not without looking like the newest batch of cupcakes fresh out of the oven.  I plopped on my bed. Petting Sunny and Kayo I resigned myself  to the fact I was going to be a few minutes late for work. 

How many of us as women have felt fat? I know that my entire life I have struggled with feeling uncomfortable in my body.  And this morning as I lived the story I shared above, I felt the fattest I have felt in years.  All day I was self conscious.  I was sure that people were laughing at me. That they thought I was pregnant, or spending my days eating Little Debbie's and watching Lifetime movies. To put things in perspective for you-I spent my day feeling uncomfortable about my appearance in front of inmates who aren't allowed to wear bras and forced to wear whatever jumpsuit best fits them, which normally means either 2 sizes two big or too small.

Although I was pretty sure I wouldn't, I made it through the day at work without anyone asking me, "What is wrong?".  I made it home, and before I could get up the stairs and into a pair of oversized sweatpants, I heard Steven.  Before I had a chance to say anything he started telling me about his day.  To be honest, I don't quite remember all that was said.  But what I do remember was that he called me "gorgeous" somewhere during the conversation.  My insecurities melted away and I was reminded that my appearance is only a very small part of who I am.  I am more than what size pants I wear.  I am a strong, beautiful woman who gives of herself daily.  I am a mother.  I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt and friend.  I am a partner. And most importantly, I am me and I am loved.

If ever you are having a day when you feel fat or ugly, or like everyone is laughing at you, I hope you think of this post.  I hope you remember that you are more than what size pants you wear.  That as insecure as you feel, you have beauty shining out of you in the things you do.