I couldn't find anything to wear. All of my favorite work pants were in the dirty clothes pile. I once again had neglected my own laundry for the never-ending mound of school and play clothes, pjs, and Avengers undies in Turtle's hamper; I was forced to look in the closet where my "least often worn" clothes were folded on the wire shelf which ran the length of our tiny closet.
I pulled a pair of jeans off the top of the pile, slid them over my feet and pulled them up. They felt a little snug in my legs, but I was pretty sure that was from an accidental drying; a mishap of Steven managing the laundry the week before. Wrong. I couldn't get the zipper up or the button fastened without laying on my back. When I stood up a full blown, pale, tattooed muffin top glared at me from the full-length mirror ahead of me.
I couldn't have possibly gotten the jeans off any faster.
When had these jeans gotten so small?!?! As I stared in the mirror in my underwear, horrified, tears were in my eyes. I couldn't fit into my favorite jeans; well at least not without looking like the newest batch of cupcakes fresh out of the oven. I plopped on my bed. Petting Sunny and Kayo I resigned myself to the fact I was going to be a few minutes late for work.
How many of us as women have felt fat? I know that my entire life I have struggled with feeling uncomfortable in my body. And this morning as I lived the story I shared above, I felt the fattest I have felt in years. All day I was self conscious. I was sure that people were laughing at me. That they thought I was pregnant, or spending my days eating Little Debbie's and watching Lifetime movies. To put things in perspective for you-I spent my day feeling uncomfortable about my appearance in front of inmates who aren't allowed to wear bras and forced to wear whatever jumpsuit best fits them, which normally means either 2 sizes two big or too small.
Although I was pretty sure I wouldn't, I made it through the day at work without anyone asking me, "What is wrong?". I made it home, and before I could get up the stairs and into a pair of oversized sweatpants, I heard Steven. Before I had a chance to say anything he started telling me about his day. To be honest, I don't quite remember all that was said. But what I do remember was that he called me "gorgeous" somewhere during the conversation. My insecurities melted away and I was reminded that my appearance is only a very small part of who I am. I am more than what size pants I wear. I am a strong, beautiful woman who gives of herself daily. I am a mother. I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt and friend. I am a partner. And most importantly, I am me and I am loved.
If ever you are having a day when you feel fat or ugly, or like everyone is laughing at you, I hope you think of this post. I hope you remember that you are more than what size pants you wear. That as insecure as you feel, you have beauty shining out of you in the things you do.
It's obvious that I haven't done a good job with the blogging part of my New Year's Resolution, but the good news is that I have been working on my other resolutions including increasing my workouts, managing my sweet tooth, organizing the house, moving closer to being a licensed independent social worker and in my own way, saying goodbye to Gram. Since I haven't been doing a great job with my blogging resolution, my mom has been nagging me (thanks, Mom) to sit down and write a post. After a week of ignoring her nagging, I have decided to finally give in and listen to her.
It's easy to get consumed in the daily grind, and I have noticed that since becoming a mom to Turtle, it has become even easier to lose track of things that are important to me, putting that sweet little seven year old's needs before my own. That is all fine and dandy, until I recognize myself becoming resentful and irritable; snipping at the boys and dogs over the littlest things. I am recognizing it even more as I am sitting here typing, and realize now more than ever that it is important to care for me, so that I can in turn care for those I love. And so, I have allowed Turtle to play on his 3DS so that I can take some time and write, and fill up my "Happiness Tank", that keeps me running.
Before I go any further, I want to explain the Happiness Tank concept. I am sure that some of you already understand what I mean, but even though I say I understand the concept of a Happiness Tank, I am guilty of forgetting daily to fill up. In my work with client's I have always talked to them about their "Happiness Tank" and filling themselves up with things they enjoy and love so that when they give to others, they are able to continue running. It may sound silly, or even cliché, but think of your car. If you don't put gas in it, what happens? It will only be a matter of time before you are stranded on the side of the road, hoping that someone is nice enough to stop and help you get going again. And since people may have ulterior motives in stopping to help, it is even more important that we learn to keep our own tanks filled.
One way in addition to writing that I keep my tank full is through spending time working out. While Steven may argue with me about whether I enjoy working out due to my cussing, complaining and huffing and puffing while he puts me through a workout, it is really something I do enjoy. There is something so satisfying about saying, "I just burnt 500 calories" or being able to squat a few pounds more than you did the day before. Sure, soreness is a bitch, and I know better than anyone that having wobbly legs makes nearly every task impossible (Facebook Friends, you may remember a status about me falling out of the tub the other day?), but burning those calories, challenging myself and getting some of those feel good chemicals pumping through my body, helps me to keep my Happiness Tank full.
According to The Mayo Clinic there are seven benefits of working out. (I would argue that there are more, but since the Mayo Clinic is a legitimate resource, and I am just someone who gets tortured by daily workouts with her boyfriend, I thought I would defer to their expertise). Some of the benefits are obvious; weight management and reduced risk and/or management of certain health conditions are two of the positives to working out that probably everyone knows. The other five benefits that the Mayo Clinic names are increased mood, increased energy, better sleep, a better sex life (sorry, Mom) and my favorite, exercise can be fun.
Since Steven is a personal trainer and my boyfriend, I have gotten a built in workout partner. Between me cussing at him and telling him that "there is no way I can do one more" we spend a lot of our time working out together laughing and having fun. One of our favorite workouts to do together is at the park. We are able to modify the workouts so we are both being challenged, using the different playground equipment and some of our own supplies to get a full body workout, all while Turtle is able to entertain himself playing with other children or exploring the playground.
This would be the place where I would like to include a full routine for you to try at the playground to get your workout on, and fill up your Happiness Tank. But since Steven isn't here, I am just going to include some clips of us working out to give you a little idea. If you are interested in more information about playground workouts, please email us at letsbewellness@gmail.com and we will be happy to provide you with more information. Also, please keep in mind that Steven is a personal trainer, and that you should never try any physical activity without checking with your doctor. Also, if trying something new, please make sure you have the appropriate workout partner to help you. (If you live in Charleston, I have a recommendation!)
As you can see, we are able to use the playground to get a workout in, and have fun. All the while, filling up our Happiness Tanks. Whether it's writing or working out, or just curling up with a good book, please make sure for your sanity, and the sanity of those who love you that you keep your Happiness Tank at least most of the way full! That way you can make sure you have the energy to keep running, and to live your life its fullest.
This morning I was working on a post that I am hoping to share with you later on today. Turtle was hovering, and instead of letting it get to me, I asked if he wanted to write a post as a "guest blogger".
He got so excited he started singing, and dancing."I'm gonna write a blog! I'm gonna write a bl-ogggg!" Of course some editing was done by your's truly, but here is the final result of Turtle's post.
I am Turtle (my mom and dad have changed my name for this story) and I am the son of Steven and Emily. I am 7 years old. Here is my video,"5 facts that are good about working out".
Those are 5 facts that are good about working out. So there it is the story of exercise. The End
