Almost immediately, my brain starts messing with me. "Really, Emily?! Why did you share your blog with the world?" or " No one is going to care about Let's Be Wellness; you were crazy for thinking that" and even "You aren't smart enough to write a blog for people to read. You can't even write. What makes you think you are qualified to give people tips about their lives and well being?!"
SHUT UP!!!
Negative self talk is something almost everyone experiences at least once in their life. Really? That many people, Emily? What makes you think that? Well, I know that I personally battle my negative thoughts on a daily basis and am regularly reminding myself to tell those nasty buggers to shut up! In addition to my personal struggle with negative self talk, I would be willing to bet that I hear at least one negative thought turned words come out of the mouth of my coworkers every day. I also hear my clients regularly verbalize their negative thoughts about self in therapy sessions.
So since it is so prevalent, something obviously needs to be done to reduce the negative thinking that is so common in our culture today. I know that I have always struggled with negative thinking, but fortunately a few years ago, while at Virginia Commonwealth University for grad school I started my education not only in Social Work, but also in self discovery.
As a Master's level student in one of the top Social Work programs in the country, I knew I was bound to learn. What I didn't realize that Summer of 2009, was that I was also going to leave VCU with a Master's in Emilyology. I was asked numerous times through out my two years in my MSW program to write papers about self awareness; examining my beliefs about self and the world around me. I deepened my knowledge about my own insecurities. The negative thoughts that had repeatedly ran through my head for 24 years were pouring salt on my wounded ego. Shortly after my second year began, I ended a two year relationship. While I look back now and realize this breakup was needed, I was already struggling to adjust to life as a more than fulltime second year student. Talk about more salt. My friends and family watched me in misery. Losing tons of weight unhealthily. Partying a lot. Hiding behind a smile.
Some of you all are probably thinking "What the Hell? Why would someone subject themselves to self exploration to that extent? And pay $9000 a year to do it?" That's a good question. But it also has a good answer.
What I forgot to mention was, there was another tool being given to my cohort and I as we slaved away to Research, Practice and Internships. We were also asked to write about illnesses, interventions and policy. Evidence Based Practices were taught, and we built and filled our therapeutic toolbox as we moved through our second semester. We wrote papers, we role played, we presented. And all this time developing friendships that are very dear to me to this day. I learned ways to teach myself and others skills needed to help me help others, and myself. But I didn't realize this quite yet.
After talking to a few of my beloved friends, and my wonderfully supportive mother, I decided it wouldn't be so bad to go and see a therapist. VCU offered free counseling. And my parents had just brought me Esmerelda, my 80s model beach cruiser bicycle. I made an appointment and a few days later pulled Esme out of the shed in my backyard. Surely I could ride a couple miles on my bike. In Richmond. During rush-hour. Now that I look back I think that I may have been exhibiting some delusions of grandeur. But I hopped on that rusty beach cruiser and headed off to the Medical Center of Virginia (MCV) campus where my intake appointment would be for counseling. Now, before I go any further, I would like you to take a peek at the map to the left of the page. That is the route I took.It may look simple, and pretty short in distance, but trust me. In leggings, a t-shirt and gladiator sandals, atop Esmerelda, in rush-hour, uphill-both ways, it was not even a little bit fun. I surprisingly made it only 3 minutes late, and began my intake appointment. Now, I won't bore you with the details. What I will share with you is what I learned after being asked all the regular mental health assessment questions. I learned that I was 1. normal and 2. not going to make it in therapy with this guy. Disclaimer: I don't remember this man's name. And this statement is in no way about him or his therapeutic skills, it was due to what I discovered during my hour long session. During this time, Dr. Nameless and I discussed my symptoms. I found myself spilling my guts to a complete stranger. Telling him everything I had been discovering and loathing about myself over the past almost two years. As I sat there talking to him, I started picking up on the things he was saying and doing. I recognized this and that too! Motivational Interviewing! Cognitive Behavioral Therapy! Mindfulness! He was demonstrating skills that were being drilled into me in school. I finished my conversation with Dr. Nameless, and decided I would be better off walking Esmerelda back south of the James. As I walked, I thought.
During that eternal walk I made 3 decisions. 1. I didn't want to, and wouldn't go back to that dingy office. 2. If for some reason I ever needed to go back to MCV, I would not be taking Esme on my journey, and 3. I was going to learn everything I could about the interventions I would be practicing with others some day and use them to help myself. And so I did. I taught myself positive self talk. Changed my negative thought patterns. And began to fall in love with my life in Richmond.
More than 3 years later as a Licensed Social Worker and therapist for the local mental health center, I continue to practice these therapy skills in my own life as well as my practice with clients. I remind myself that the bad thoughts will come, but they can float away just as easily as they came in, just like a summer storm. I remind myself to love myself. To care for myself in a holistic way, and to encourage others to do the same.
I am grateful for that intake appointment. But I am more grateful for the lessons I learned while I was at VCU. I learned and developed myself not only a human being, but also as a therapist. I have every intention and hope that I will be able to continue using these skills in my life, while sharing them with you. Not as your therapist, but as a friend with experience.
"I am smart. I am good. I am knowledgeable."
Let's Be Happy! Let's Be Healthy! Let's Be Wellness!
No comments:
Post a Comment