Someone Has a Case of the Mondays

FYI this was written last night, but I needed my lovely mother to edit before I could send it along.  Thanks, Mom!

 

I think we can all agree on the fact that Mondays all around suck.  I mean, the weekend is over, and it's time to go back to work.  Surprisingly this morning, at 6 am when I woke up to get Turtle, Steven's son, ready for his first day of first grade, I didn't have the overwhelming  Case of the Mondays I usually face; I actually felt good.  I had just returned the night before from a refreshing weekend in Virginia with Steven, spending time with people I love, and felt rejuvenated in my soul and ready for the week ahead.  Steven and I took Turtle to school and after stopping by home to refill my coffee cup I zipped off to work.

 

I felt good as I walked into the mental health center.  I was 20 minutes early which would give me plenty of time to swing by my dear friend's office, and still have time to catch up on emails and phone calls leftover from the week before.  I chatted with my dear friend, went to my office and got to work.  First thing on my To Do list was a letter needed by a client giving her permission to carry her prescription from the homeless shelter where she lives to work. No biggie.  Letter typed.  Sent to the printer. Check.

 

Still feeling good about my day, I headed to the copy room to pick up the letter so I could have a MD sign it.  My letter was still warm in my hands when I ran into one of the supervisors, who calmly told my that my supervisor was in her office and she "may have something to tell" me.  Dread hit me immediately.  I tried not to think the worst, but in the pit of my stomach, I knew.  Someone was dead.  For the second time since I started working at the local community mental health center, I was confronted with the news that one of the clients I had worked with had taken their life.

 

I sat in the supervisors' office in shock.  Conversation went on around me, but I was somewhere else.  I heard someone ask, "are you okay?" All I could respond with was a blank stare.  I waited until there was an appropriate time and I quickly sped off to my office.  I had 20 minutes before a client was due to arrive to "deal" with the news that was just unexpectedly handed to me and caused my happy Monday to come crashing down around me.  Thank goodness my sweet officemate was in our office .  She gave me some motherly words and a hug before I had to head off to see my client.

 

Fortunately for me, I am gifted and trained in shutting off my emotions and being completely present with the person I am with.  I spent the next hour with my client problem solving, building her confidence and assisting her in realizing the strength she possesses within herself.  Unfortunately that hour was eventually over, and I was once again forced to face the negative thoughts running through my head and the emotions charging through my veins.

 

I tried to distract myself with paperwork for the rest of the day.  Seeing a client or two in between the notes and treatment plans that needed to be written, but on the inside I was mourning.  I wanted to scream, cry and most importantly get some good perspective on what I was experiencing.  I tried to go talk to someone, but they were busy. Another friend offered to listen, but I didn't want to burden her.  I later thought I would take her up on her offer, but she was with a client. 

 

So once again I was back to me, myself and my thoughts.  Not a great combo at a time like this.  That lasted about 5 to 7 minutes before I had enough and went to look for someone I respect at work.  A man who is nothing but inspirational, and encourages me to do the best I can while caring for the mentally ill, our head Peer Support Specialist.  I sat down and told him what was going on and that "I really just need someone to give me some good perspective".  And he did just that. 

 

During our 15 minute conversation he helped me to remember that my thinking was kind of selfish and, more importantly, to see the good in the bad. 

 

So often, bad things happen to us, or someone we love or even just know and we are overcome by sadness and negative thoughts.  It becomes hard to see the sun shining behind the thick wall of clouds which have hit us like a brick wall.  We think things like, "why me?" or "why that family?" rather than thinking "what can I learn from this experience?" or "what can I take from this that may make me a better person". 

 

I wouldn't be honest if I said that I am able to see the good in this recent suicide, or even some of the other sad events which have shocked me to my core over the past 6 months.  Truthfully, I am still stuck in my grief and sadness.  I haven't full accepted the loss of my grandmother or my sweet dog, and I am still stunned by the suicide of a client in March.  But after talking to my coworker I am trying to see things differently.  I am trying to pick the small glimmers of light out from the darkness.  To remember the positives, to allow myself to feel the way I do and to become better because of what the people I have lost have taught me; regardless of whether I met them once, or spent almost 30 years loving them. 

 

I am going to share with you one thing that each of the people(and dogs) taught me, and that I hope to carry with me through my life.  I hope that you can do the same with your sad days, losses and Horrible Mondays.

 

To my Gram: You taught me to be a genuinely loving person.  To love everyone like God loves us, in spite of our imperfections.  You taught me what it means to be graceful, and walk through life appreciating every single moment.  You are the light in my heart, and I carry you with me every single day.  Your love and life were such a blessing to every single person who met you, and I will do my best to live and love the way you did, every day of my life.

 

To Client Number 1: Thank you for helping me to understand what a true sickness is.  To experience sitting in a room with someone who is experiencing a different reality than me was eye opening and allowed me to really know what it means to meet someone where they are.  I will do my best to always remember this and your complete vulnerability with me as I support others struggling like you did to fit in in a judgmental world.

 

To my sweet Parker Lou: Some people may think its strange that I am including a dog in here, but I don't care. You taught me how to be grateful.  How to appreciate the little things and be unselfish.  I miss your excitement about going for a walk or getting your butt scratched, and your willingness to put yourself after your "sibling". I will remember the love you gave me every day, little bud.

 

And finally, to Client Number 2: I may have only met you once, but I could tell you were hurting.  But you remained kind and your love for others was apparent.  I am saddened by your death but am reminded that your life was yours and my other clients' lives are theirs.  I am merely just a support for an hour or two a week in a life that anything but perfect.  I will do my best to remember this as I work with my clients.

 

I hope that you all can try to learn from my sadness, and journey with me as I try to find     the good and carry these for important lives with me in helping myself and all of us in living out Let's Be Wellness!